Whenever I was in elementary school I was in a play/musical called “Christmas Fever.” I still remember some lyrics, “Christmas fever, if you catch it works its magic spell on you. You can find the Christmas spirit lasting all year throuuuugh…” My role, other than singing in the choir of course (all the kids were in the choir), was neighbor #3. I sang something about buying a donkey, “it’s the finest one I’ve got,” I remember singing (in a key no doubt too high for me now). Those were the good ol’ simple days. I didn’t think too much. Now I do.

Now Christmas has become awkward.

The fact that businesses are closed, school is canceled, and shops aren’t open all because God came to earth in the form of a baby 2000+ years ago is huge. I know most people don’t think of it this way, it’s probably just another American tradition thanks to the original beliefs of our founding fathers. But to me it’s something I still try to celebrate. God, humbly, walking on soil. The problem is, I try to celebrate this, and fail. I get distracted by everything holiday: the tree, the ornaments, the candles, the lights, the cookies, the decorating, the family, the presents (good gracious the presents!), the smells, the songs, the cards… I run through them trying to remind myself of the “true reason for the season” but really just feel as if I am acting or reading a script.

It is too difficult for my measly mind to grasp Jesus’s birth and its importance when I am surrounded by all the traditions of Christmas. As in all cases, my flesh, or the most human part of me, wins out. It opts for the gingerbread men rather than the spiritual meaning. The way I celebrate Christmas is way too distracting and I don’t want to admit it — because it feels good. My holiday is too far removed from its original place. It’s like me trying to celebrate the harvest with a slice of bread that was made by machines and wrapped in plastic. I have no idea what it’s like to watch a field go from seed to a lush green. I also have no idea what it was like to have Jesus come to earth, only hunches. My Christmas is made by machines in other countries.

But I don’t want to be cynical. No, there is nothing to be cynical about. Because Jesus did come. I cannot fit Jesus into my holiday or my everyday life, he must be my life. “To live is Christ.” That sums it up. Think about it. My husband once shared this with a youth group and I left that Wednesday night having learned something new. We read Nike ads that tell us to live is to run, or our friends tell us to live is to love, and there’s truth in that, but the bible’s action word for the sentence is, simply, “Christ.”

I can tell you straight up that I do not live in a way that shows I know this 24/7. That is a huge challenge, and one I think worth taking.

If to live is Christ then Christmas should mean a lot to me. But it’s awkward because what I do on Christmas (the present opening, the feast), feeds my fleshly desires instead of my spiritual ones. I am not saying that I should cease these festivities and spend the day in solitude, no, I think the Lord wants us to have fellowship and to celebrate his coming. I am just saying that I am easily distracted and I find myself saying, “wait, what is this day about?” So maybe I’m doing something wrong.

Maybe God really did send his son to save me and I should celebrate his birth specifically on a special day that’s been set aside. Maybe if I was doing things properly, if I was really living as if to live is Christ, Christmas would be spiritual in the first place, and the festivities would be the second thought.

If I was living according to what scripture says then I would be so wrapped up in Christ that the second half of that verse would make sense: “and to die is gain.” Then I could be with him. Brilliant.

But I am distracted. Constantly. By things.

So duh Christmas is awkward.